Day 20 ~ Difficult Time in My Life

Black Wings

Day 20 ~ Difficult time in my life:

Nothing I can think of compares to the struggle it was for me to kick booze. I had to recognize what it was that drove me to drink, and deal with the horrors of my past that were keeping me sick. I realized that it was me re-victimizing myself every single time I drank, and it was also going to have to be me that saved myself. That’s what I did. I went to a natural food store, and consulted with a specialist there. I described to her my desire to detox my body the most efficient and gentle way possible (without heavy-duty liver detox, unless I needed to further down the road), and she instructed me to an herbal remedy I would take in pill-form multiple times per day for 3-months. In addition to the remedy, I also cut the processed foods from our diet, and we went from semi-vegetarian to vegan in only a few, short years.

In hindsight, the actual quitting drink was not nearly as hard as addressing the driving force behind my drinking. That part was ugly and horrifying. It still is ugly and horrifying, but it does not control me anymore. I refuse to be as sick as my secrets, and I will not let the ghost of a pedophile and his repugnant doings steer my ship to ruin. I’m the captain of my ship, and although it took me a long, hard time to wake the fuck up, I’m the one behind the wheel. Negative energy can get out of my fucking way, because I’m prepared to drive right over it, back up, and drive over it again.

31-Day Blog Challenge

I made it!

Me Day-90/90 Reboot

Today marks Day-90/90 of my extended reboot and juice cleanse. I knew I would make it, but it’s an accomplishment nonetheless for me. I used to be super-lazy with respect to being more active and working out. It’s been a real treat to have my efforts pay off, as well as develop healthier habits I will take well into my “mature adult” years. Yeah, that sounds fucking awful! I have to snort derisively at myself for such grown-up talk. *snort*

I will continue to juice as a supplement, but not exclusively unless it’s my cycle (I turn into an IWillEatALLTheFoods Monster then). I also want to have some on hand for my middle Elfling, to help with her skin breakouts during puberty. Juicing has been an amazing addition to my life, and the lives of my family members. I would recommend anyone add a glass or two (or more) of juice to your diet everyday.

Such a Liberating Feeling

Free Bird

This is my blog, and these are my opinions. I’m so happy to have this venue to share my feelings, hopes, dreams, thoughts, fears, and achievements. It’s a beautiful feeling to know that the breath I give my happiest accomplishments, or my deepest-darkest memories, helps them fly off into a receptive atmosphere of compassion and understanding.

I started this blog with very little forethought, and figured I’d share my journey and evolution into veggie-based living. It is exciting to see this little forum of mine evolve as I have. Thrilling even! We all grow, and many times it’s a liberating feeling.

I think I need to write this post…

Abstract Feelings

“Abstract Feelings” Painting by Pixie Cold – via deviantART

**Trigger warning – rape is discussed**

First of all, I want to start by thanking Meizac for sharing the poem, “A Poem by Patricia Lockwood – Rape Joke,” today.

I read the poem. It didn’t describe me, but it reminded me and inspired me to lay down another of my stones. I need to let this go.

This post is a little disjointed, but I’m trying to articulate something I haven’t shared for 23-years. To anyone.

Deep breath.

When I was 17, I went to Vancouver with some friends for a weekend. It was supposed to be to visit my friend’s boyfriend, because he had recently moved there. She missed him, and didn’t want to go alone, so I went along with her and another friend drove.

Over the course of the night once we got there, I was separated from my friends. I was with two of the boyfriend’s buddies, Trevor and Chainsaw. Yeah, I know. In hindsight being with anyone named “chainsaw” is a bad, fucking idea.

We wandered around for a while, and ended up crashing on the floor of another friend of Trevor’s.

I remember distinctly: being freaked out in a city I didn’t know, and having no way of finding my friends; I had no idea where I was; I was tired as fuck; and I didn’t know the guys I was with.

Vacillating between exhaustion and terror, I lay there on my stomach on the floor, fully clothed, drifting in and out of sleep.

Trevor was sleeping on my right side, and Chainsaw (I’m still annoyed with myself for going anywhere with him) was sleeping off to the left.

At least I thought he was sleeping.

I had just slipped into a fitful sleep, when I suddenly felt tugging at the back of my jeans.

Then tugging at the front of my jeans.

My eyes flew open and I slowly sucked in a breath of air, as he had succeeded in his efforts of removal.

Trevor opened his eyes slowly at first, looked at me, then opened his eyes wider.

He saw me laying there, on my stomach, refusing to move. Too scared to move.

He glanced sideways at Chainsaw. Seeing his efforts to force himself on me. Getting frustrated. Angry. Watching me lay perfectly still.

Trevor shifted his weight a little, as though to get up.

As he did, Chainsaw gave-up. He shoved me roughly, and muttered: “Fucking bitch!”

Then he got up and left.

I grabbed at my jeans and pulled them back up as I still lay there.

I was in shock.

Trevor looked horrified and sorry at the same time.

He asked me if I was ok.

I shook my head and mumbled something about finding my friend and getting home.

Trevor did help me find my friends that day.

The one wasn’t much of a friend after that, though. We drifted apart. I never talked to her again.

At least one of the guys I was with, that horrible night in Vancouver, wasn’t awful.

I’m positive the events would have unfolded much differently had Trevor not been there.

I needed to write this post so I could let it go.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you.

Abstract Feelings