Keep On Living Until I Feel Alive Again

My heart is completely broken since my dear Mum passed, nearly one year ago. I feel the deepest fractures within my very soul most keenly when I breathe. I spent 43-years and 362-days of my life with my Mum, and her absence is overwhelmingly felt.

I know I have to move forward. I have to keep on living until I feel alive again.

Five years sober!

Black Wings

The end of June marked five years ago that I started a journey which took me away from drinking and self-destruction, and into a better life for myself and my family. It’s been a difficult road, and one I’m still making. I’ve had to admit one of the main reasons I drank was due to childhood sexual abuse. I was medicating my feelings of loss, violation, rage, lack of control, resentment, disgust, and horror with an excess of booze that both putrefied my entire body AND took away my self-control. Realizing that my drinking was causing me to feel the very things I was feeling from the abuse, I had to make a different choice. Self-destruction was ruining me and taking my family down with it.

Choices

I’d started drinking when I was 16-years old, which is also when I started being sexually active. I did stop drinking when I was pregnant with my first child at 18, but started drinking socially on occasional weekends when she was 4-years old. I really thought I was in control, and carried on this way until my daughter was 8-years old. I stopped drinking again when I was pregnant with my second child, and remained such until my youngest was 2.5-years old. While I was attending Mount Royal University for Journalism, I fell back into old habits with classmates, and started drinking socially again. This continued for almost three years until I was pregnant with my twins. Once again, I abstained from alcohol until my youngest children were 2, then believed, once again, that I was in control and could drink socially. Looking over the numbers, the past 24-years of alcohol abuse have been sporadically broken up, but the fact that they are there is a stain on my tapestry. Part of me wishes I’d made the choice to permanent sobriety years earlier, that I had realized and faced the withertos and whyfores of my devastating attacks on myself sooner instead. I didn’t though. I quit drinking for good 5-years ago, for reasons that included: health, happiness and family, and I’m better for it. My family is better for it. Life is fucking awesome!

Related post: Circling the Drain